Oh you have a hobby? Here, let me provide some condescending advice

This just reminds me of all those condescending Willy Wonka memes...

Oxford Circus Date

I'd had a few days of successful texting with this guy. He seemed coherent and into similar things as me. He asked for a date in central London, I agreed. I asked him to phone me when he gets to Oxford Circus, of which I work near to. He calls, this is pretty much the dialogue:

Me: "Do you know where Spaghetti House is?"
Him: "Nope"
Me: "How about Liberty?"
Him: "No"
Me: "Ok, let's just meet at Carnaby Street"
Him: "I don't know where that is"
Me: "How long have you been in London?"
Him: "13 years..."
Me: "Ok well...ask pretty much anyone around you where Carnaby Street is. I'll get ready and leave my office and I'll phone you when I'm out"
Him: "Ok"


So, I do. I call and ask if he's managed to find it. "No, I'm still by Oxford Circus, I didn't bother to be honest" - I should have really just given up there and then! So I ask where abouts he is, "just outside Oxford Circus" he tells me. Oxford Circus has 8 exits I believe, spanning multiple streets. Surely any Londoner (and even non-Londoner) should know that?!

I finally locate him and he suggests we go into the closest pub to the station (Argyll Arms) - I tell him it's likely full. "Full on a Wednesday night?!" he exclaims, surprised. OXFORD CIRCUS. This is OXFORD CIRCUS! Find me a night where Oxford Circus stops. Starting to wonder if he's really from London at all.

I finally take us to a pub. He asks what I'm getting. "Bockwurst" I respond, "Oh, I'm having Guinness". After 1 drink of unsuccessful conversation I made my excuses and left. I might just start being horrendously rude and cancel a date before I even meet them if something like this happens again!

The Uncomplimentary Compliment

I see this sort of stuff quite a lot. They probably mean it as a compliment (the lip piercing line), but there are SO many better ways to word it! I'm not really sure why I'd want to take solace in the fact that there's something about me they don't usually like.



If you actually want to be nice, why not try "Your lip piercing is quite unique, I really like it on you".
If something like the lip piercing bothers you so much, why not try moving on to the next profile and not sending anything at all.

By all means, if I ask for an opinion on my lip ring, I do want the truth, but as a first message from a stranger on a dating site, why would I want to hear it?! I'm sure if I turned around and replied "So normally I'm not keen on receding hairlines, but I suppose you kind of pull it off" it's going to end up in a bitter argument pretty quickly.

Tinder Advertising

Received this as a first message from a new match this morning. Not cool! Totally not cool...

Date With an Errand

Decided I'd start writing up a few of my actual dates, starting with one from last week!

We started talking one Saturday and he suggested to meet up the same day. I'd spent 2 days lounging around the house in my PJs and so I was pretty keen to have a reason to get up and go out. I don't usually meet someone so quickly, but on the other hand, I don't like talking too much pre-date either, it can get your hopes up for someone who is disappointing in person.

I got fully ready; make up, hair, outfit. Then I suddenly fell into a I-hate-all-men mood. Over Christmas I felt a bit let down by a date and remembering this I started to feel massively jaded about the whole thing. If I like a guy, they are either terrible to date or aren't keen on me. If they like me, I don't seem to like them. I've had enough time-wasters. My profile states I'm looking for something meaningful, but I still get a steady flow of casual men. Perhaps they don't read my profile. Perhaps they see me as a challenge. Perhaps they simply don't care that we have totally different expectations. Realising this, I suddenly bombarded him with questions of his aim of being on a dating site. "I haven't really thought about it" he replied. This was enough for me, I cancelled. I wasn't too keen anyway, after finding out he was the same height as me and actually had the cheek to say to me "I usually date girls taller than you" - WHY?!

Anyway, 2 days later, amazingly he messaged me to see how I was. I was totally surprised by this, certain my Saturday night outburst and cancellation would put anyone off. Deciding he must be decent after all, I asked if he'd like to re-arrange. So we did.

It was raining. He was 10 minutes late. His first request was to run an errand, he needed to buy something from Whole Foods. I'd usually be annoyed with a first date wanting to run an errand, but as it happens, I wanted to buy some tea from there anyway. So we walked, in the rain. I bought my tea, he bought whatever he came for. Then he suggests a drink. We get there, it's closed. So he suggests a pub. We walk for a further 20 minutes in the rain without finding a single pub. He then realises he is not walking in the direction he thought he was and wanted to see the map on my phone (no idea why he couldn't use his phone).

I eventually lead us to a pub guided by Maps, we order some drinks. He immediately takes out his phone exclaiming that he 'Has to reply to some emails'. He does this several times. I give up and begin to text my friend about how horrible my date is and ask him to send me photos of his pet French Bulldog. Deciding this date was a disaster, I talked about every subject that could put off a date; ex boyfriends, how crap my day was, basically anything negative. I showed some photos on my phone of random things that accompanied my stories, he would take my phone off me rather than just look. I found this uncomfortable (especially because my friend could pop up at any moment with something related to my terrible date chat with him).

He says he'll get the bill. Then he said his card doesn't work, can he 'borrow my phone to transfer funds?'. Errr no. This was one phone-grabbing attempt too many. I try paying by card, it seems the machine is down, they need cash. He doesn't offer, so I pay in cash. Quickly made my way to the station. Won't be seeing him again!

Advice for Success on a Dating Site

Time for a much longer, more substantial post which I guess could be seen as a rant! But really I hope that some people might learn something from this, whether it's conducting the way you act on dating sites, or whether it helps you realise that when you end up meeting a really terrible person that's the exact type of person you wanted to avoid, that it's not you, it's them!

This weekend I received another copied and pasted message in my OkCupid mailbox, one I have seen many times before:

"I just wanted to let you know I'm breaking up with you. Sorry, it's just not working out. We have grown emotionally distant over time. It's not you, it's me. I'm taking the house and the car, you can keep the kids."

Sick of seeing this time and time again, I decided to google it, as clearly people were copying and pasting this line from somewhere! This search landed me on an internet forum where I found a whole thread dedicated to a large amount of (I think) terrible advice. Here it is (I've cut out some jabber as it was a huge post and the really short tl;dr summary is below):

"Hey guys. I have had some solid success on OKC and thought I'd share some tips for having success on there. After quite a long dry spell, I turned to OKC to get my dick wet again. I resisted this notion for a long time because the thought of online dating kinda went against my ego, but eventually caved to the need for sex. About 9 months ago I made a profile, met a girl, banged her on the third meet up, and consistently banged her for about 6-7 months. Things ended kinda hazey, but since then I've banged 4 more girls from the site. Here are some tips/strategies I have for going about OKCupid. 

Mindset

Girls on online dating websites are probably not girlfriend material. They are looking for a hookup. They won't directly say it and neither should you, but always assume that the underlying context between a conversation is that a girl is looking for a hookup or a short term relationship. If something happens beyond that, awesome, good for you, congrats...but don't count on it and don't ever have intentions of emotionally investing too strong. 

If you don't get a response...don't take it personally. I'd say that getting a 25% response rate on your initial messages is doing a solid job. Because it is a numbers game, remember to send out messages to lots of girls. 

Your goal is to get a phone number so that you can text her. Don't try to talk her into having sex with you. Don't try to get to know her entire life story. This isn't a time to share vulnerabilities and know each others deepest, darkest secrets. Build enough attraction and chemistry to build curiosity...that's the extent of the messages that should go down on the site. Everything else happens by phone/in person. 

Read their profiles before you message them. Look for girls that you find physically attractive, but don't message somebody if you can tell that you won't like their personality. It won't work. Screen girls...become a selector, not a selectee. There are thousands of girls on this site...you should choose a girl that you not only want to have sex with, but think that you'd get along with reasonably well, too. I promise you that by doing this, you will have more success. 

Your Profile

Post pictures of you doing fun things. Don't worry about how good looking you are. Post pics that show off an adventurous side of you. Hanging with friends, partying, hiking, a picture of you in another country or visiting something cool, etc. Make sure that a full body shot is in there. 

As for your profile, don't try too hard on it. Don't write essay after essay describing your entire existence. It's better to show that you don't take the site too seriously. In the section "You should message me if" - make sure to list one or two key personality traits that you really like. Show the girls viewing your profile that you have standards and that you have a type and know what it is. 

First Message

Your goal is not to create attraction with your first message. Girls who are moderately attractive have a LOT of messages. Your goal, like I said, is not to create attraction, but to stand out. Send her ANYTHING that she hasn't seen before. Examples of messages that have gotten me replies: 

"My penis is less than 3 inches, but I have some huge balls. Could this still work" "I'm breaking up with you. Sorry, it's just not working out. We have grown emotionally distant over time. It's not you...it's me." 

Something different and original. Use one of those if you like, but you should seek to come up with your own. 

Mass message the same message to lots of girls at a time. Send about 5-10 messages of the same thing at the same time. With a decent profile, you'll get about a 25-40% response rate, depending on luck."

TL;DR: Suggests all girls on dating sites are not girlfriend material and are only looking for hookups. Don't bother getting to know them. Getting on with them is less important than wanting to have sex with them. Suggests using lines such as "My penis is less than 3 inches, but I have some huge balls. Could this still work?" as a first message. It so infuriates me that these sort of people exist on dating websites. Time and time again I come across liars who play games. Let's delve a little deeper into tearing this post apart.

Hook Ups

NEVER EVER assume someone is on a dating site for a hookup! This sort of assumption that has resulted in some terrible dates for me including 1 where I actually had to physically force a man off me because he wouldn't take no for an answer. Honestly; what is the point in lying? Even if it works in your favour initially, after you've hooked up with some girl/guy that wanted a relationship, you're likely going to have to deal with their anger or upset. Just be honest! If you're both genuinely just looking to hookup, it's not going to bother either party is it?

Bulk Messaging

Firstly, only message people who you think would be a good match for you & what you're looking for. By receiving a message from someone, I'd assume that they've already made a basic evaluation on this part, but apparently I am wrong! Secondly, if you send a bulk message, unless they only signed up yesterday, they've liked already seen your copied message from someone else.

Baiting Messages

I really am sick of baiting messages; sending something with the intention of getting them riled up a bit and respond to you. This isn't primary school, guys. Instant block in my book. I can have fun banter as much as the next person, but not as a first message on a site that's based entirely on first impressions.

Hopefully this post will at least prevent some of these awful messages circulating. I was astounded by the sheer amount in that thread alone of people following the quoted "advice" here. Even if you are just looking for some fun and don't want anything serious, none of the above is a good way of going about it. It's like advising someone who has money issues to simply go out and mug a few people. There are ways of getting what you want without screwing people over.

Still Wouldn't...

Just Drop It!

When someone says that they're not interested, move on! Yes it's not nice, but hassling them is NOT going to get you a better response! Following up with some completely unrelated insults doesn't make you look big or clever.

Back to Dating!

You may have noticed a long gap between posts here at Dating Site Diaries! It was due to the fact that for several months I did actually end up in a relationship with someone (yes, someone actually managed to put together a half-decent email!). However this now ended several weeks ago and thus, I have reluctantly returned to the world of online dating! I'm back!

Although...

If this is all you can think of saying, perhaps you should copy and paste!